How To Edition: Muscling A Tile Floor And Owning It.

Ok, the post says muscling.  It's a lie. Ok, it's not a lie because I would never lie to you; so it's a fib, kinda. But this kinda fib is more of an all encompassing kinda fib rather than a blunt, intentional kinda fib. This is due to the fact that an individual does in fact need to muscle a tile floor to own it - like wresting a crocodile - which of course I do in my spare time in order to compare experiences and write about it here. (did you get that blunt intentional fib?) In addition to needing muscle to completely destroy ones five-layer kitchen floor, you may also need a few other handy dandy tools.  Make sure to grab: a sledge hammer, a bigger sledge hammer, two different sized wrecking bars, two hammers, protective safety wear, a broom, a dad, an Ed, an angry voice and full functional voice box, and a tad of patience & perseverance.  Check?  Good, let's get started.


First, one must assess the floor in question and make your best determination on how many layers you have; this will determine how many ‘Oh Hell No(s)’ you declare.  In our case it was five layers, which ultimately led to umpteen ‘Oh Hell No(s)’ and a few other ‘OMG’s this is going to be a bitch’ exclamations and head shakes.

*Ed gives us his best "Oh, hell no!" face.*

Once we’ve established how much work you’re in for, grab your protective gear because, honey, you’re going into battle. A sledgehammer and muscles are next on your to-grab list. Pick a spot to begin and bring that sledge down as hard as you can on to that ceramic tile obliterating it. My dad was awesome at this. His inner animal came out and he was swinging that hammer like his life was on the line. I was using the smaller sledge and a wrecking bar getting underneath the layers and pry upwards.

At this point expect some pain, sweat, and foul language (not in that order) and also expect to begin finding and subsequently shaking your head at what the previous owners did to ‘fix’ issues they came upon. Example: use a Smirnoff bottle cap to plug a hole in the original sub floor, but make sure you flatten it and hide it under 5 layers of tile and secondary sub floor. I kid you not, this really happened and I have proof (no pun intended). 

Just keep swinging and destructing the entire floor until it’s to the point of satisfaction to you and your co-crocodile wrestlers. The dismantling of the sub floor took a lot of muscle, grunting and sailor speak. Ed actually cut his left index finger while wearing gloves (trying to be like his sister maybe?). It was a bleeder and couldn’t tell if it was going to need a stitch or two until it stopped bleeding a little – it was ok and we butterflied it and got back to work.

After two days of working on wrestling this floor, it was done. All that was left were nails every 6” from the sub floor and old asbestos laminate tiles (almost identical to the tile that was in the basement). We decided to leave the asbestos tiles because we plan on putting down a new floor anyway. Plus, trying to get those suckers up was going to be almost impossible and time consuming. No thank you very much you can keep it.

Now that the floor is up, let's touch on a few other items we accomplished. We played in the mud. Ok, we dabbled in the holy sheet!rock mud and mudded up some of the kitchen - including patches, but ran out of 1/2" holy sheet!rock for the ceiling and have to get more.  I put a second coat of paint on the rec room floor and it looks so much better.  It still needs one more coat, but having a roller on a steek (ever seen Jeff Dunham with Jose Jalapeno on a steek? No?! So funny, gotta watch it. See, I'm a good friend. I even supplied you with a video. You can thank me later after you're done laughing.)

Ok, anyway, I found a roller I could attach to a steek and it made my life a gabillion times easier and holy sheet! the time spent painting that vexing floor was cut in half.  Yay for rollers on a steek.  Another task we began to tackle was patching the hallway where the closet used to be. Considering the numerous coats of hideously ugly semi gloss paint on the walls, it's going to be another adventure.  I LOVE that hallway without the closet.  I'll love it more when its flush and smooth and its painted a glorious shade of pink. Are you scared? hee hee hee.